10 sure ways to stop the agony & start living again
Get back to your old self. Shake off the self-pity. When you mope and whine, complaining to all and sundry, you will not get him back. Instead, make an effort to become again your previous self - attractive, vibrant and full of energy. Improve your chi energy and even if he does not notice, others will. Make a new life for yourself with someone else. Remember you are doing this for YOU not for him!
Make every effort to transform his infidelity into a new beginning. Look on it as a forced turning point of your life. No need to be passive. Instead, seize the initiative and take charge of the situation. Once you have a game plan, you will be too excited to let any of the negative emotions immobilize you. Should you talk with someone about this? Yes, if you have someone to talk to, but NO if you don’t. This is not the time to trust just anyone. Be careful whom you share your inner feelings with.
Be strong again. Exude a new power. He will notice and it will shake him. Cheating husbands thrive on the weakness of their wives. So be strong. Literally shake off all the tears and the fears that are sending you into a downward spiral. Make a conscious and concerted effort to create new energy around yourself. Pick yourself up again and breathe new energy into your body! Go on take a deep deep breath!
Turn your heartbreak around. Give yourself some emotional time. The time the betrayal hurts the most is when you first find out, or when you are suspecting but still not sure. Once you know for sure he is cheating on you, you will discover the world did not end. After that, believe it or not, it does get better and easier to cope. This is the time to melt your rage and turn your hurt into understanding. Do not fuel your anger. Instead, focus on developing compassion for your husband. Feel sorry for him that he has to go outside of the marriage for his needs. If you can do this, you will find yourself becoming stronger than him, and this is what will make it easier for you to move on emotionally. This is what will help you cope with the situation.
Spend time to convince yourself that the affair is not your fault. You need not blame yourself. Your husband’s infidelity is not caused by anything you did or did not do. Do not let him or anyone convince you otherwise. Cheating husbands cheat because of situations they themselves create, so you must not feel guilty. This shift in your thinking is vitally important if you truly want to recover your strength and self-confidence. The affair is HIS problem. Did you make mistakes? Perhaps you did, we all do. Could you have done some things differently? Of course! He could have also! When it comes to infidelity, nothing is to be gained in trying to assign blame. So better not to even try.
Once you have made the decision, meet with him. Better to resolve the situation than suffer in silence. Look him in the eye and let him be the first to blink. By the time you engineer a showdown, you should have decided how you want to proceed – whether to forgive him and carry on, or suggest a divorce if you are sick of his lies and tired of his excuses. But your dilemma might well bring you a happier ending if you are prepared to give him a second chance. You can suggest counselling. Marriages CAN be saved. If you have good reasons to stay on (the best are that you still love him and don’t want your children to come from a broken home) then make it easy for him. Open a route for him to come back in.
Choose your words carefully. Saying the right things is half the battle won. Surprise yourself and him with some newly acquired wisdom and insight. You must come across strong but not harsh; resilient but not aggressive. When he sees you strong yet compassionate, you have a good chance of convincing him to give up the affair. Do not use the reconciliation time to blame, scold or belittle him. There is no need to talk about your hurt or his betrayal. He already knows. Far better to focus on what you will both be throwing away if the marriage were to end. Do not act out of desperation. Stay calm and nurturing.
When you are ready to do so, think through your options. In every extramarital affair, as long as the husband tells lies and makes excuses to cover his tracks, it means he does not want the affair to jeopardize the marriage. He doesn’t want you to know, so this means he does not want to end the marriage. You have to understand this when you think through your options. If you make the decision to close your eye to his affair, you can hope that one day he will stop altogether. But be prepared for the sad truth that he might never change or worse, that one day he might throw you callously out of his life. On the other hand, if you take the divorce route, you could be alone for the rest of your life and the children could suffer. Or you could successfully build a new life and be far happier than you are now.
Amongst Asian societies, women are generally advised to “swallow”. They tolerate and accept that the infidelity of husbands is something they can live with. This attitude is predicated in the belief that over time, the husband will come to his senses. If you decide to respond true to type and your mother also advises acceptance of the situation, then do so with strength. It is not the end of the world, not if you won’t let it be. But make an effort to become financially independent so you do not depend on him for your living needs in the future.
You do not need to live vicariously through him. Be your own person. Who knows what the future holds for you? Besides, many research findings in the West suggest that affairs rarely have anything to do with love. Affairs are usually temporary; they seldom last, so staying cool could well be the best way to handle infidelity. In the meantime, you can rearrange the feng shui of your home. If it can bring you and your children some happiness by bringing your straying husband back into the fold, why not?
Finally, you must understand that adultery does not have to end in divorce. But it is a wake-up call. A very loud warning bell that something is seriously wrong with your marriage OR with the chi energy of your home. Respond positively on both fronts and you can use the unhappy revelation to your advantage. Emotionally, you need to cope with the infidelity and come to terms with what you can do to repair the marriage. You should also take a good hard look at the energy of your home and apply all the different ways to making it more harmonious and conducive to you and your husband’s well being. When you cope with infidelity on two fronts simultaneously, how can you lose?
The following article is taken from the "Feng Shui World (November/December 2005)". To subscribe, please click here.